Judging Our New Freshmen

“You may leave Elon, but you will never leave the club lax Groupme.”

Pretty sure our commencement speech went something along those lines. Who knows. Anyway, as washed up as we are, Brody and I still have yet to leave the Groupme or Google Docs from our old Elon club days. So we still get to see all the dumb stuff the new crop of freshmen post. Here are my first impressions of some kids we’ve never met.

#2 Owen Sheppard


Flex on them haters! Owen comes to us from Wilmington, DE, the place where you’re most likely to run into your cousin Sean at the Wawa. Clearly a big music festival guy. Probably got dropped off there by his mom.

#12 Jay Sidhu


Even mid-celly, both feet are firmly planted on the ground. Born club guy. (Shoutout to his all-female cheering section in the background).

#13 Zack Irons


Now we’re talkin’. Irons sharpens iron and he does so from the bed of a truck with a couple of ladies who are maybe 4 foot 11. This kid is often seen following Greek kids to their cars after practice hoping for a text to that night’s party or at least a ride back to Smith.

#14 Alex Yalcin

Not in the Groupme unless he changed his name. Either a mystery man or someone who’s taking wayyy too many liberties for his freshman fall going by an alias. Either way, I don’t like it. Show yourself Alex!!

#15 Andreas Migliaccio


Bolbi from Jimmy Neutron.

#16 Jacob Ahern


We have a lovely gym on campus in Koury Athletic Complex, right across from Lakeside Dining Hall. You can’t miss it. Like you seriously can’t afford to not go.

#21 John Kellaher


Squad goals. That number carries a legacy so you better be good.

#22 Parker Lewis


Classy pic. That’ll change.

#24 Jack Potter


Check out the Great Wall of Goobers over here! Jk that’s a cool pic. Same as with Parker, before long your Groupme photo will be a pic of your suitemate with his head buried in a bush ostrich-style.

#25 Justin Cumberhatch


Prom pics never get old. Looking fresh though, Cummberbatch.

#36 Dylan Mathes


Endless Summer. I hope this kid ends up dating a girl with a rush shirt that matches his profile picture.

#44 Max Kahan


“Okay, class dismissed.”

“Wait Miss Williams, aren’t you going to collect the homework?”

#47 Matt Krick


Lists himself at 6’0, 155. Maybe he and Ahern can hit the gym together.

#47 Bozeman “Bo” Hawkes


I want to be friends with this kid.

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